[#42] An Honest Confession

Dear Reader,

I hope your week is off to a good start. Sorry I’m a bit late with this issue. I needed to take a little more time before writing you.

So you know, I’m writing this one by hand (trusty Blackwing pencil and a small notebook). I find lately that I’m drawn to the tangible, the tactile, the kinesthetic. It definitely changes how I think and write. I hope you can feel it.

If you read my last note, you know I’ve been spending some time overseas. I’ve loved every minute of it. I also admit I’ve been working while away, especially on the first half of the trip. (I haven’t loved that.)

I’ve had a bit more time to unplug and process now, and really just want to write from the heart.

Confession: I’ve been feeling foggy lately. Well, probably longer than lately. For more than a year, actually.

A few weeks ago I sent out a short reader survey that 107 of you responded to. It looks like I’m not the only one feeling this way.

Rather than pretend I have all the answers (I don’t), I figured the only thing I could do in a meaningful way is share how I’ve been navigating things.

Maybe some of it will help. Maybe some of it will read like endless drivel. But I do hope some of it helps.

Not Knowing is OK, I Guess.

Many of us feel we’re always supposed to have ALL the answers. That’s what we’re paid for, right?

I’ve had to get OK with not knowing again. There’s a big part of me that hates not knowing.

But I try to remind myself that not knowing is the price of admission to what’s new. I’ve been through this before:

• When I went to university, I had no idea what it would be like.
• Same when I went to seminary.
• I definitely didn’t know what would happen after getting married.
• No idea what taking a ministry job would be like.
• Getting divorced? Complete unknown.
• Starting a business? Pouring countless hours and dollars into writing a book? No idea what was gonna happen.
• I didn’t even know what to expect on this overseas trip. I didn’t plan a single thing (mostly on purpose) before arriving.

When I look at all the things that happened in my life after each one of those moments, they’ve almost all turned out objectively and categorically better than I could have imagined.

But I still hate "not knowing."

Some days I blame it on just getting further along in years. Other days I feel like I should have more of my life figured out by now.

I often wonder, more often than you might think, if I really missed out by not having children, or if I should have remarried by this point, or any other typical fill-in-the-blank you can think of.

In these moments, I try to be tender with myself. I see the part of me that "needs to know" or that feels behind as a scared, anxious, nervous kid. (It helps me to picture him as a kid, I act more compassionate that way).

When this kid gets really fussy, he plans, strategizes, cooks up business ideas, and cracks open the laptop… even though he’s half a world away in Asia.

Yes, I do yell at him (myself) at times. "WTF is wrong with you?!" I say under my breath but in a loud internal voice. Berating rarely helps, but I do it a lot more than I care to admit. (If you do this too, at least you know you’re not the only one.)

I also tend to punish myself for having feelings because they often feel really loud. This surprises people, that I have feelings.

Seriously!

Ask any of my close guy friends who have intervened in relationships I’ve been in. My buddies often say something to the poor gal, "Of course Mike has feelings. They’re just buried under miles of emotional scar tissue. Good luck, you’re never getting through all that. He’s crazy.”

I guess my point in all this is that feelings are meant to be felt, even if they’re of the anxious, scared, frustrated, angry, melancholy type.

Those feelings probably won’t subside by beating yourself up. Perhaps the point isn’t for them to subside at all, positive-thinking gurus be damned.

This Illustration Has Really Helped Me of Late

Imagine you’re sitting on the sand at a beautiful beach. The waves keep rolling in and out, as they tend to do at a beach.

You’re sitting there on a gorgeous day but getting all worked up about the waves. You think, “Why won’t the waves be still?!? I want calm, peaceful waters!!!”

The waves are your emotions. Emotions, like waves, come and go. Some are rough. Some are pleasant. Doesn’t matter! Stop focusing on the waves and just enjoy the beach!

I was trying to do this just a few days ago on the beach when I legit saw something I’ve never seen before:

Cows out on the beach for a nice stroll, enjoying the beach more than I was. I could only laugh.

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In closing, last week I said I’d have details on a "summer school" on messaging, AI, and the like.

Given this in-between season I’m in, I’m going to listen to my mind, body, and spirit and take things slow. I hope I’ve earned that reprieve from you and other readers.

I know I sent an offer sheet with details to those who responded last week. If you were one of them, please disregard it. I’ve refunded those who have already registered.

I’ll let you know if and when I have real capacity, so I can serve you better down the road. I’ll also do a proper webinar so I can lead with value, if that time comes.

I have no gumption to promote, sell, or offer anything right now. Please understand – it’s not you, nor is this some branding or marketing strategy. I’m not burned out. I just think I really need to honor these feelings and let the process run its course. I need to sit in the discomfort of not knowing.

I can only trust it’s the start of something better. Here’s to not knowing, I guess.

With gratitude,

Mike Kim