In the years I’ve spent working with “successful” people I’ve always been amazed to see that what really separates them from others is rarely a strategy, resource, or even talent gap.
Sure, some have more advantages than others (such is life), but I’ve seen way more rags-to-riches stories than those born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
IMHO, most of “success” boils down to the inner game.
The inner game is your ability to embody self-awareness… the ability to face, admit, own up to, and accept that you have biases, predispositions, tendencies, and excuses.
The inner game is the ability to learn, unlearn, and relearn…
To confront the invisible patterns that dictate how you show up, what you’re open to, and even what you end up blocking without intending to.
Very few people can see your inner game. Very few people can even see their own.
I’m not talking about motivational content. I’ve never been motivated by motivational content. If that’s you, cool. We all have different things that push our buttons.
For me, it’s surprisingly been a principle of Charlie Munger’s.
Munger’s Principle of Inversion
Munger was, of course, Warren Buffett’s longtime investing partner at Berkshire Hathaway. Earlier in his life, Munger worked in air traffic control: his job was to keep pilots alive.
He approached it with a disarmingly simple question: What would absolutely guarantee that all my pilots crash and die? Let me just avoid those things.
To succeed, first study how to 100% guarantee failure — then do the opposite.
Early stage in business, the answers feel straightforward. What would absolutely guarantee failure?
- Start 15 different things without finishing anything.
- Lack of consistency – emails, content, promos.
- Spend more time consuming “success” content than doing the real work.
- Waiting for inspiration or guarantees before putting yourself out there.
- Build a 47-step funnel before selling anything.
- Move slower than a turtle in mud.
I see that a lot, unfortunately. Euphemisms for all that kind of behavior include shiny object syndrome, waiting for the Universe, imposter syndrome, and let me buy 40 more certifications before I start.
Let’s just call it what it is: a poor inner game.
I’m not immune, of course. I’ve been there. But at some point you gotta move. It’s your life. It’s your business. If you don’t fight for it, no one will.
Some people advance in their capabilities, success, and of course, age – but the question remains the same: What would guarantee failure?
The answers tend to change because they hold more weight the more you advance.
To guarantee failure in my life in my mid-forties:
- Refuse to evolve.
- Keep doing exactly what I’ve been doing for the last 10 years.
- Optimize for efficiency instead of evolution.
Let me poke my “successful” friends with this one:
Letting momentum make your decisions for you. Very guilty here. Saying yes to everything because you’re moving so fast and you gotta capitalize on that momentum and no wonder it’s impossible to slow down let me do that one more project one more client one more launch and:
Crash and burn.
I acknowledge there’s another level of loneliness because you can’t talk about it, you pompous jerk. Every external metric looks like you’ve got the best life ever!
(Did you see the other day that Elon Musk said he isn’t actually very happy? Not much compassion from the masses.)
It’s 100% possible to build a version of success that ends up becoming a comfortable prison. You won’t dare dismantle it either – you built that prison brick by brick, late night by late night, launch by launch, conference by conference, book by book. It’s your baby.
Inner Game 2.0, I guess.
Beliefs = Identity + Action, from my friend Lauren.
I am not an academically smart person. I barely graduated high school and college. But over the years I’ve learned how I best learn, and also how to eat a lot of humble pie.
When I don’t understand something, I find the best person in my sphere and absorb them. I don’t just ask them questions or read their content, though that’s important.
I literally try to imagine, “If I was this person, how would I see the world? This challenge? This opportunity?”
I do this with my friend Lauren Johnson, now a professional speaker, totally badass entrepreneur (you will hear about her a lot in the coming years, I promise) and former mental performance coach in the New York Yankees organization. She was also an elite college soccer player.
I’ve always been fascinated by sports and would absolutely 100% trade my entire life to start over if I could have played professional baseball. I am awful at baseball. Most of us do not possess world-class athletic talent, coordination, or bodies.
But the inner game? I’ve met world-class e-sports players who almost seem like they could be Shohei Ohtani if they had the body and talent for it. The inner game is there.
Thus, game recognizes game. A pro recognizes a pro.
Lauren has taught me a lot about belief. Belief calcifies to become a part of our identity.
- If you don’t think you’re a strong communicator, you will avoid situations where you have to communicate.
- If you don’t feel you’re good at sales, you will hold back from selling or even pitching an offer.
I’ve always believed that I’m terrible at math and have had an adverse relationship with numbers my entire life. Back in 2013, I was really trying to figure out what I was gonna do with my life.
I’d often go with my now ex-wife to Barnes & Noble. That’s one thing that was great about our relationship, we both liked going there and would talk about what we read.
She’d look at medical school books and I’d pick up self-development as well as some GMAT and GRE prep books: the tests you have to take to get into business school or grad school. I thought about getting an MBA…
Until I opened the books up to the math section. Decimals. Long division. Numbers mixed with letters and parentheses. Might as well have shown me pictures of vomit. I literally just closed the book… and my dreams of earning an MBA.
I felt like a loser.
But every time I kept going back to Barnes & Noble, I’d pick up one of those other kinds of books. Stories of people who rose up and built themselves up from nothing.
Something started to shift. I don’t remember when, of course. But I absorbed them. It was 100% up to me how much I’d apply the books I read. I took responsibility and took cold, focused, incessant action. I realized that when you invest in yourself, the game is rigged — because you dictate the returns.
It was my first real introduction to the Inner Game.
***
Lauren taught me that most people assume that to change their identity, they first have to change their beliefs. Changing beliefs is hard. If you could, you would’ve done it already.
The key is to approach it from a different direction. Lauren frames it like this:
Identity = Belief + Actions
Instead of working on beliefs, target the identity you want and take commensurate actions with it. The actions build the evidence.
Two practical examples, to close:
First, one of my early business mentors, Ray Edwards, taught me a phrase I’ve never forgotten: The first sale is always to yourself.
Before anyone else buys what you’re selling, you have to embody said identity.
- I am an entrepreneur.
- I am a freelance copywriter.
- I am a 6-figure freelance copywriter.
- Hell, I’m a 7-figure copywriter.
- Screw copywriting, I’m now just gonna be a 7-figure coach.
- Might as well add “author” to it, too. Bestselling author.
- And, sometime before I’m 50: TED Speaker.
- And sure – I will get married again.
Second: changing how you feel helps you get what you want… not the other way around.
It’s natural to think, “I’m gonna feel great once I accomplish that goal.” But you want to feel it first, and then it leads you there. I’ve always found it easier to be pulled by something than pushed towards something.
The Inner Game Cannot Be Fixed By External Advice
I’ve now hosted many workshops, VIP days, and masterminds. It’s common to work with people who try to fix their inner game with external advice.
It does not work so I do not give them quarter, it’s just a waste of time.
A big sign is seeing them lock up in their body. Maybe this person is just sitting there with arms crossed or leaning away. Or, they’ll often interject while someone is asking a clarifying question or making a suggestion.
(Speakers are notorious for this – words are their armor and defense mechanism.)
That’s when I kindly step in. “Hey, we’re trying to help you. Let’s open up your body a little bit. Unclench your fists. Uncross those arms. We’re here to help you. Let the guard down. Let us share what we’re seeing. WE LOVE YOU.”
That is an inner game thing: to exhibit humility and be open to feedback and insight.
The most “successful” people I’ve met are the most teachable people I’ve found. Sure, some are narcissists. But even for those people, they’re willing to learn if it elevates their… narcissism?
It often strikes me how different their level of receptivity is versus the people who say they want that level of success but just can’t let it in.
***
Enough rambling for today, and if you watch the YouTube version of this issue, you will find it has way more stories, emotion, and context – as well as the admittance that I spent two hours in frustration trying to record it.
The inner game never ends. I won this one, and got it to you – as promised.
Next week, the inner voice + the inner game… and taking both to the stage.
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